Dont exist no more
• Written by Apathetic7
Apathetic7's Notes
i dunno. i wrote this after not sleeping for 2 days so its not very good. if you have time id like it if youd tell me what you think.
i saw you by the doorway, half awake, half made of smoke,
and i swear you looked the same until you smiled, and then you broke,
not you, me. i mean, shit, i dont know, maybe both,
'cause you said, “howve you been?” like you hadnt been a ghost,
I said, “Good,” which is stupid, 'cause ive always hated lying,
and you laughed that little laugh like you knew i wasnt trying,
You said, “Still bite your nails?” i said, “Only when im scared,”
you said, “So basically all the time,” and vanished from the chair,
What the fuck?
Sorry.
I just missed you.
I found your jacket in the closet and i froze there like an idiot,
held it up against my chest, then laughed because I know you're not in it,
Still smelled a little like the rain, or maybe that's my brain,
making chemicals and miracles from dust and old remains,
Then I got angry, like properly, stupid angry,
like “how the hell'd you leave me?” like the dead can answer, damn me,
Then i hated you for dying, then i hated me for thinking,
then i sat down on the floor because the whole room started shrinking,
Sometimes grief is hearing footsteps and checking twice,
sometimes grief is seeing someone with your haircut at a traffic light,
Sometimes grief is getting older, knowing youre older than them,
like every birthday that I have is a little bit of theft,
I talked to you last Tuesday,
Yeah, I know. Don't look at me like that,
I was drunk enough to forget you couldn't talk back,
I told you that im sorry,
You said, “for what?”
I said, “everything.”
You said, “that's too much.”
I said, “yeah. i know.”
Maybe ghosts are just the brains weird way of keeping people breathing,
maybe loves an animal that never learned the meaning of leaving,
So if i see you again, dont disappear too fast this time,
let me tell you i got older, let me tell you im still trying,
And if you ask me if im happy, ill probably say, “sometimes.”
If you ask me if I miss you, ill probably change the line,
ill joke, ill dodge, ill look away, i'll say some stupid shit,
'cause apparently surviving means becoming good at hiding it,
Then morning comes, alarm goes off, your voice gets lost in static,
and im standing in the kitchen feeling stupid, feeling frantic,
I look toward the empty chair like maybe you'll be sitting there,
and for one second you're not gone,
You're just...
not there.
