BUILDING BLUEPRINT
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Lyrical Analysis of...
Dont exist no more
- i saw you by the doorway, half awake, half made of smoke,
- and i swear you looked the same until you smiled, and then you broke,
- not you, me. i mean, shit, i dont know, maybe both,
- 'cause you said, “howve you been?” like you hadnt been a ghost,
- I said, “Good,” which is stupid, 'cause ive always hated lying,
- and you laughed that little laugh like you knew i wasnt trying,
- You said, “Still bite your nails?” i said, “Only when im scared,”
- you said, “So basically all the time,” and vanished from the chair,
- What the fuck?
- Sorry.
- I just missed you.
- I found your jacket in the closet and i froze there like an idiot,
- held it up against my chest, then laughed because I know you're not in it,
- Still smelled a little like the rain, or maybe that's my brain,
- making chemicals and miracles from dust and old remains,
- Then I got angry, like properly, stupid angry,
- like “how the hell'd you leave me?” like the dead can answer, damn me,
- Then i hated you for dying, then i hated me for thinking,
- then i sat down on the floor because the whole room started shrinking,
- Sometimes grief is hearing footsteps and checking twice,
- sometimes grief is seeing someone with your haircut at a traffic light,
- Sometimes grief is getting older, knowing youre older than them,
- like every birthday that I have is a little bit of theft,
- I talked to you last Tuesday,
- Yeah, I know. Don't look at me like that,
- I was drunk enough to forget you couldn't talk back,
- I told you that im sorry,
- You said, “for what?”
- I said, “everything.”
- You said, “that's too much.”
- I said, “yeah. i know.”
- Maybe ghosts are just the brains weird way of keeping people breathing,
- maybe loves an animal that never learned the meaning of leaving,
- So if i see you again, dont disappear too fast this time,
- let me tell you i got older, let me tell you im still trying,
- And if you ask me if im happy, ill probably say, “sometimes.”
- If you ask me if I miss you, ill probably change the line,
- ill joke, ill dodge, ill look away, i'll say some stupid shit,
- 'cause apparently surviving means becoming good at hiding it,
- Then morning comes, alarm goes off, your voice gets lost in static,
- and im standing in the kitchen feeling stupid, feeling frantic,
- I look toward the empty chair like maybe you'll be sitting there,
- and for one second you're not gone,
- You're just...
- not there.
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