LETTER TO MY CHILD

Life is something we all have, and we all want to know what it means, or maybe we’re just trying to figure out its purpose. Whatever it is, humans are naturally curious. I think life is simply about living. That’s the meaning, to live. Some people might say that sounds too simple, vague, or even empty, but I believe we’re the ones who give life depth through our experiences, desires, goals, and dreams. That’s your purpose, to dream.

I was once a child. I was once completely happy in my ignorance. I wish I could erase my memories and everything I’ve learned just to be a kid again. Innocence was a luxury I only got to enjoy for a few years. Insults and punishments were everyday things throughout my childhood. My parents love me, but the way they showed it was clumsy and, without meaning to, harmful to my small self. For me, happiness only showed up when I didn’t talk too much, when I kept quiet about what hurt or bothered me, and above all, when I buried my emotions. If I cried, I was a “faggot”. If I talked back, I was “rude”. If I stayed quiet, then “I liked being hit”. If this is what life looks like as a child, what’s waiting for me in the future?

I grew up used to violence. Love was scarce, even when they said they loved me. I grew up thinking love came hand in hand with violence, but I never gave up. Life is something we all have, but not everyone really lives it. I feel like I lived a quarter of my life without actually living or fully experiencing it.

The people I’ve loved and still love the most are the same ones who hurt me the most, like I was meant to suffer just for trying to love. Life made me feel like I was never enough. It made me question my life and my choices. What if I’m the problem? What if, honestly, I’m just not worth it? When someone goes through that much pain, not even all the love in the world can fix that crack. A broken adult is just the reflection of a child’s lost innocence.

Love is something everyone wants and very few truly understand. I learned that the most important kind of love is the one you give yourself. You can’t really love someone else when you’re broken. It hurts both people, and sadly, I learned that way too late. So what happens when both people are wounded, but only one of them can see it? Exactly what happened to me.

Loving someone with everything you’ve got, even knowing your future together isn’t guaranteed, feels like gambling. It’s a bet on life, chasing happiness through the innocence of love. Life is easy to explain, but hard to live. Sometimes I close my eyes and picture a life where I never made those mistakes. I imagine a life where I’m still happy. I imagine a life where I’m still a child.

Giving up was never an option, even though I wish it had been. I feel like I ruined everything, like nothing I do is ever enough, and like no matter how hard I try, I’ll never become a better man. Maybe I can’t be a better man because, deep down, I’m still a child. Life is something we all have, and some people wish they didn’t. If I could make one wish, I’d ask for just thirty minutes to go back in time and hug my younger self tight, to talk to him and tell him about all the good he’s done and all the good he will do. I’d tell him how beautiful he is as a person, and that despite everything he’s going through, he’s already strong, just for keeping that smile tattooed on his face. If I could make a second wish, I’d wish to be a child.

Over time, I understood that this is just how life is. We all go through bad things that might not look the same on the outside, but pain is pain. I realized life isn’t about following a single purpose. It’s about redefining your path and fighting for your dreams, whether anyone supports you or not. I learned that love is beautiful to experience and painful to lose, but there will always be someone who loves you for who you are. There will always be someone who loves that child.

If I could write a letter to my past and give myself all the love I didn’t get as a kid, I’d probably call it “Letter to My Child”.

Life is hard, but you’re stronger. I love you.