Access Denied

I’m not addicted

I’m regulated

I don’t remember who I was…

 

Come on now man I’m fine, please don’t worry about me this time

Just black spots in my sight, can’t see straight, why am I shaking, why do I rhyme

Don’t tell anyone shit, you don’t know what’s mine or what’s on my mind

Swear I’ll be doing just fine, yeah I say it like I’m not lying

My mind is racing because of you, gnaw at myself till I split into two

Tell myself this is a phase, but every second it’s ripping me new

Veins screaming, heart beating, hammering like a runaway train

Pressure building in my skull, every thought amplifies pain

This shit can crawl, now look, my brain’s cracking inside of my head

Hazy and dizzy, thoughts spinning, everything’s loud but it’s not dead

Loud like alarms in my chest, no silence or form of rest

Fuck, my breath is getting short, hands numb, heart beating in my neck

I keep saying I’m good but my body keeps calling the bluff

Acting calm while inside I’m collapsing, it’s all getting rough

They don’t got a damn clue what this thing really does to my head

Call it dramatic or lazy, fuck them, they don’t hear what I said

But you’d get it undoubtedly and feel it without explanation

Same panic and pull, same quiet devastation

I pace in circles, wear paths in the floor where I stand

Phone lights up, heart jumps, then it drops out my hands

Access denied, right there but locked from within

This isn’t desire, it’s survival wearing a mask

Like holding my breath and pretending it’s not that bad

Close enough to touch it, still locked on the outside

Smiling through it while everything inside me divides

 

Before you judge me maybe look at what I’ve been through

There’s nobody I’ve ever met wired quite this fucking loose

People don’t even want me here no more, and that’s the truth

I was never meant to fit inside the mold they assume

Learned real quick in the shit where the walls learned my name

Figured out how to smile through pressure and permanent pain

You hear my tone and think I’m cruel or deranged

You didn’t live where love and danger were basically the same

I don’t explain myself, I bite back and breathe

This mind’s a locked room full of things you don’t see

I’m calm on the surface but I’m wired underneath

Don’t ask why I need it if you’ve never been me

Access denied, right there I can feel it but can’t reach

Every second stretching tighter than the shit I try to breach

My pulse is racing, thoughts keep twisting in my skull

Not what I want, survival pounding out of control

Access denied again, same wall, same tease

Same pull in my chest like it’s dragging me deep

This isn’t drama, fuck no, this is chemistry gone wrong

When the thing that keeps you steady gets removed too long

It's not a habit, more like a lifeline, something vital that I'm missing

Like breathing underwater while I swear I'm still existing

Maybe I inherited the fire, I don’t flinch or fold

If you can’t hear it in my voice, know I was raised in the cold

If this shit sounds dangerous, that’s cause it probably is

Every second locked away locks my mind like this

I don’t need sympathy anymore, I need a cure

I need access restored or I’m going to fracture for sure

Still standing but still shaking, still acting composed

With a substance on my mind that I’m not allowed close

Access denied, every thought ignites my veins like gunpowder

Every second I don’t touch it another piece of me goes under