Spam (parody of "Stan" by Eminem)

Our cans are leaving stock, buy ‘em now

They’re in a 50% off deal

More than you can get from Amazon

But you won’t dare to steal

And even if you did, we ripped you off

The can isn’t real

People, buy your spam 50% off now

Or they will disappear

 

Dear Lance, I know you’re the CEO

But I bought some spam for my little brother Pedro

It’s all empty and the can is plastic

I bought it for $50 and some chapstick!

Then the store clerk said I gotta tip

In a damn store & there are no figs

The spam’s all expired and rotten

Or… at least from what I saw and

I couldn’t even buy a pack of Doritos without some mold

Then I called customer service and they just put me on hold!

Your business needs to get itself together or I’m suing

Along with my neighbor, his name is Suen

And I’m shutting down your place, shutting down your face

And telling everyone to call your “store” a disgrace

So do you want your business ruined or have to pay money?

Here’s a thought to think about, it’s funny

An angry customer, the name is Dan

 

Our cans are leaving stock, buy ‘em now

They’re in a 50% off deal

More than you can get from Amazon

But you won’t dare to steal

And even if you did, we ripped you off

The can isn’t real

People, buy your spam 50% off now

Or they will disappear

 

Dear Lance, I knew you’re busy as I am

And I’m not mad

I just think it’s messed up you can’t make good spam

It’s been 20 years man, and nothing has changed

I sent a letter a week ago and you’ve stayed the same

So if you don’t wanna send back, you don’t have to

But poisoning children? Man, it seems like your virtue

I got a complaint from my neighbor Pam

Who said they got rotten, warm and moldy spam

It was pre-cooked pre-processed and pre-packaged

Yet her cousin died because he ate your cabbage

See, we’re similar, we both want money and we’re keen to get it

But I wouldn’t rip you off just like you did

You’re commercial is wrong and people are fooled by it

So you’re motives are despicable as is

And what makes it worse is you don’t respond

The FDA doesn’t care nor does people who think fond

And me and Pedro was out in the blistering cold

And you just rejected us and closed the door

I should’ve threw your liquid spam straight at your place

And told the guy next to me to punch your face

This is warning 2 or I’m suing

An angry customer, Dan

P.S. you’ll be hearing from my attorneys soon

 

Our cans are leaving stock, buy ‘em now

They’re in a 50% off deal

More than you can get from Amazon

But you won’t dare to steal

And even if you did, we ripped you off

The can isn’t real

People, buy your spam 50% off now

Or they will disappear

 

Dear Lance I swear to god, I’m on my way to the courthouse

And I swear you’ll lose it and say no like Amy Winehouse

And I’m on my way right now to shut your place down

You haven’t responded for a month now

And to everyone else you just said “no”

Even though one kid got frostbite in your artificial snow

I’m angry as heck and I don’t deserve it

So either come to the courthouse or ask one of your employees to

Do something

And sit on your chair that’s rumbling

In your rich dollar-sign room and you hummin’

Watching TV and sayin’ nothing

While people suffer and die, I’m mad you ain’t got any lawsuits

So I filed one

And it’s because someone got tibia infections on those tall boots

Say, you know that one time when Shein got caught lying

They’re sweatshops were hot, and they’re employees dreamed of

Flying

It’s kinda like this

You could’ve chose to not pay money, I would’ve let you

But you could’ve paid those families, so I don’t respect you

I swear once I come home I’ll send this out

And it’ll be an explanation and proof at the courthouse

Yeah

 

Our cans are leaving stock, buy ‘em now

They’re in a 50% off deal

More than you can get from Amazon

But you won’t dare to steal

And even if you did, we ripped you off

The can isn’t real

People, buy your spam 50% off now

Or they will disappear

 

Dear Dan, Hey it’s Lance

It’s your last idol

And I know our spam’s rotten and our food ain’t vital

This is right before the court, this is right before I get arrested

And my whole business goes with it, man I’m being tested

I’m sorry I couldn’t get back to you or nothing

The whole town thinks I’m a rich CEO who eats mutton

And that’s the truth, what? You thought I was gonna say something

But all my insults are just the same, “glutton”

I’m sorry this business is kinda a flop

And people agree about it

And I lied 20 years ago and we keep about it

‘Cause people follow it

They buy our snow globes thinking they’re real

When they’re really made of Carbon Dioxide

I heard ‘bout one kid who got sick ‘cause of our fake eel

He thought it was real

So he put it down his throat, to see how it would feel

And the mom defended him like a seal

That boy was fine, he made it up to seem real

Anyways, our spam is disgusting, but people still buy it

And then the eggs, which was pre-dyed red

And everytime I couldn’t make a pre-order

I apologized to them and gave them every last quarter

So customer service here to support you

It’s your most hated fan, it’s Lance

 

Our cans are leaving stock, buy ‘em now

They’re in a 50% off deal

More than you can get from Amazon

But you won’t dare to steal

And even if you did, we ripped you off

The can isn’t real

People, buy your spam 50% off now

Or they will disappear