Another Freestyle

I guess I'll just write whatever comes to mind, in the hopes that it might just be better to unwind. I claim I need to study, yet I’m wasting all my time. My test is a week away, yet Im freaking out. I'm, tired if writing journals, I never read them over so rhymes, might just be a better outlet. I’m thinking of changing my outfit. My style is lame but Im about it. I’m basic but I don't shout it. You think I really care about it? I’m aware my shirts have tares, and half my jeans don't fit, but im cheap and broke thats it. Too many tokes, habits, consume me, and my brain is quite confusing. My mom acts like im using crazy drugs like the gold juice that man is choosing. It's deadly and I may be abusing, weed, but I’m not addicted. I smoke darts and trees, and aside from coffee, and the drugs my doc prescribed me, I’m not a junkie but gee… I seem to wear the title to her… I guess I want her to be proud, but almost every conversation always ends up getting loud. She can be bitter but I’m an ass, I don't even know how, to make her happy. Somehow, I'll have to figure it out, because I love her she’s my mother but I don't understand how, to stop the anger we both share.. We’ve both been through some shit. I mean picture this. You’re single and raising a kid, and your ex never pays for it. Living check to check, but quick, something happens to your health, and your on disability with a wheelchair. It's, not really a lot, but we get by. I just want to know why, she sees me as this terrible guy. I don't want her to cry, but I am feeling like I, can never impress her. I get a 76 on a test her, immediate response is, “you could have done better.” Well sorry, im no professor, but I think I would do better if my psychiatrist actually knew what my meds were. He blocks my dopamine receptors, with antagonistic drugs to make cheddar. Then when I ask him these questions, he avoids them and gets-weird, Like sorry but Im in school for this, I'm not trying to be an ass here…... but from what I learned in class last year, these drugs he’s giving me are pretty heavy. Long lasting effects could be drastic. These meds are harassing my senses and patching my head with toler-ances, till im dead to feel happiness. I must admit that it happens, when Im with her the the mask thins… I mean that with her im happy, but I wish it was lasting. I still have problems I can't fix, and doc can't solve them, neither can I. Doing better than I was but I’m, worrying because I, don't think like she does. I need a shrink now because, my mind is outra-geous... I see them do it every day, not stressing the little things, and relatively ok. I wonder how they do it, it gets to me as I lay. Some may, have more money, but that's not the only way. They master positive vibes every day. Smiles mould their faces like clay. They are gifted I must say. They live like this. they don't wait, for happiness, they just do it. I’m struggling not to lose it. On the surface I’m acting stupid, but there's no purpose this game I’m used to(tuh). I’m tired of the abuse I, take from myself... I guess this freestyle says a lot. I wonder what I'll think as I read it when I wake up