Why is it that when i pray for life to go right for me...
that it never does...
it goes the opposite way...
I just want you to hear me man...
Dear god, you know i'm a believer, and i know that i'm a student and you the teacher,
i may not be a preacher, but i know your the world's one true leader, warming the souls of many like a space heater,
i got a lot of respect for you man, believe me, i do, but all i'm asking for right now is the truth,
man, why you gotta put me back in the booth, you know everything about every man,
then how come you put me back where i started man, i know you say you got a plan for every different man,
but the plans you put in place are hurting the souls of more than half of those men, like you choosing the chosen one,
breaking the souls of many for fun, i don't rap cause i want to, i rap cause i need to,
to keep my mental state sane, i refrain from dissing the masses so i don't drive myself to madness,
sure, i rapped for fun at first, now it's like that choice left me with a curse, you say you got a plan,
then explain to me on how its gonna work, i'm stuck in a desert, putting in effort to get to the mountains,
i want this to be my rap goodbye letter, but i know that i just can't stop, i try praying man, and i'm sure you know that,
but why don't it ever work out for me, i prayed for my dad to get better when he got cancer, then he died the next day,
are you trying to tell me to stay away from praying for help and not to keep faith? why you gotta fill me with so much hate!?
rapping was how i tried to bond with him, now you got me in the booth, thinking about him, every song and lyric that i write,
always reminds me about that last day and night, despite the fact that i always try to keep it in or fight it.
i chose to hide it, i remember the dream that i had that night, making me sign the contract of my life?
tell me, what was that all about, i know i saw you there dude, why couldn't you tell me the truth,
better yet, why can't you still tell me the truth? it seems that you never listen when i pray,
so now you got me in the booth, is that what you wanted me to do?!
having to spit my shit to you just so i can get through to you!!
i've been contemplating on doing this for years, now i guess this is what im gonna do,
you talk about all these promises of a better life, but i haven't received,
talk about the promised land, thats hard to believe, but i still choose to think that there is hope for me,
that there is a spot there reserved for me,
please man, im down on my knees, pleading for a better life and some mercy,
my family is living in a shit hole with nothing but poverty. we're poor, barely able to pay the bills,
and hardly able to pay for food, i cry every night when im alone begging for you to help in this time of need of mine,
you speak of being so devine when people out on the streets are fighting for their FUCKING LIVES!
this shit ain't fucking right, is this what you wanted all along? for me to get that one spark that ignites the fire inside?
i've considered suicide, but i've never tried, cause i know my family need me to stay strong and fight,
but i'm feeling weak and tired of fighting man, sometimes got me thinking if i just want to die in my sleep the next night man,
overdose on aspirin, slice my wrist, or overdose on saline, man for years i've been screaming on the inside,
wanting to quit the fight, thinking i keep seeing the end in my line of sight,
ways to get out of this life, having flashes of what it would be like, i've been hiding my emotions in for so long,
and everyone keeps telling me im so strong, but everyday, it feels like a chunk of my life get getting broken off,
not cause of time, but from whats happened through out my whole goddamn life,
i've tried to keep up the fight to survive. shit, thats what you wanted right? just for me to barely survive?
and get stuck in my own goddamn mind? fuck it god, i've tried being kind, i've tried being nice,
i'm yelling at you, and for that i apologize, but if you could see the pain im suffering through my own damn eyes,
then hopefully you would see what was really happening in my fucking life, every day is like putting a knife to my brain,
cutting deeper every single fucking day, man, i've tried to pray, how come luck never seems to swing my FUCKING WAY!!!
Why you putting the lives of people through absolute hell, to test their strength and see if they'll ever prevail?
i'm down here wondering when and how my lifes gonna end,
if it's by my own two hands, or a completely different man,
CAN YOU HEAR ME!?!?!?!
I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need help...
i need a different hand, cause the cards i've been dealt got me screaming for help,
i'm a believer, even though i may not show it,
i ain't like Tech,
i ain't like Em,
i ain't like Kendrick,
i ain't like Pac,
i ain't like Dax,
i ain't like Token,
i'm just tryna be me,
even though most people can't even see it,
i've held everything in for so long, i've forgot what it's like to live a nice and happy life,
i've forgotten what it's like to feel normal, even by my standards,
i may not have been normal to begin with, having autism and all,
but overall, after everything i've been put through i still stand tall,
i just want to know the truth, and how my family is doing up there is all.
like i've said, i'm a believer, even though i may not show it.
even though you may not see this, i hope this at least reaches your junk mail at those pearly gates,
and even though my lifes had twists and turns, all i got to say to end this...